11:33 P.M Inside 5

“I should have known when you act all weird and anomalous…” says Brian.

“It is so sudden, and you expect me to act normal after hearing something like that?” My voice came out a bit to loud. Gladly its still rain heavily outside.

“I’m not that surprise with your confession Jim., but rather I’m surprise you can hold back your own feeling for that person while working and pretend like nothing happen plus kept it secret from both of us for such a long time. I should award you with an Oscar for best actor tho…” Abel sound kinda serious even though he is joking.

“There’s nothing particularly surprising about it anyway. I had set in mind, job is job. While I’m doing my work I try not to focus on other unreasonable things. Though I must admit sometimes I do a bit carried away, especially when I had locked my attention on that group. But than, I know how to restrain myself from doing something I should not like go as far as flirting with customer. That’s really against my work principle…” I try to explain my contemplation.

“I expect something like that coming out from workaholic person like you…hahaha!!” says Brian while laughing.

“Thank you Brian. That was nice of you.” I try to add sarcasm in my word. No bad intention.

“You know Jim, maybe you should loosen up your self a bit. I mean to have a relationship is not a bad thing either. You gonna be 26 this coming August.  How long do you wanna stay single? You did tell me not so long ago that you never had any serious relationship with anyone. So I think it’s about time you consider the entire situation.” says Abel try to show his concern.

Brian stay quite at that moment and for some reason I found his face turn out solemn. I can’t really figure out what he’s been thinking nor have the courage to ask.

“Yeah…I know I’m not gonna stay young forever, but then you know these kind of relationship, how should I put it…” I’m out of word.

“You mean gay relationship, am I right?” says Brian straight forward.

“Erm..yeah. It’s troublesome. Not because of the inside factor, but the outside factor. I mean people perceptions and everything. I hate to draw public intention just because I hold hands with my male partner while walking in some random shopping mall or park.” I said bluntly.

“Further more, it’s not like I’m totally a gay guy. I still have interest for opposite sex and attracted to them. But for the time being there’s no women suits my personal preferences. So you might think I like both sex, and that makes me bisexual…though think I am not. OK…its getting confusing. I’m totally out of my mind.” I totally lost it now.

Both of them stay silent for almost a minute. Guess they’re also lost their words, or maybe arranging some good morale lifting sentence inside their brain. I can’t really figure out much since my head also puzzled with too many things all of the sudden. And the rain is pouring down a lot more intense now, seems to add more drama to the current atmosphere.

After a minute or so had passed, Abel suddenly start to speak.

10:58 P.M Inside 4

Conversation between me and Abel last night really makes me ponder. Brian also join the conversation because he is in away also know about the story.

“Ohh…whats about it?” I ask.

“I’ve been observing this one particular all male group, I think  student from near by college for quite some times now…” Abel says using his casual tone.

“Ahaa…I know that group too. They were our regular customer, in a group of 4 or 5 people and they will come at least twice a week” Brian says and suddenly move to my side.

“Ok. I think I also know about that group of student. They gonna spend like hours chatting, eating, laughing, picking each other and…” I continue says plainly.

“…and extremely good-looking too right?” Abel cut off my sentence.

“You got that right dude!!” Brian seem excited. I don’t know why.

“Hold on…hold on. Is that what you want to tell me Abel? A group of good-looking college student that had become regular to our cafe?” I’m not mad, not at all but my tone seem exaggerate a bit.

“Haha…please calm down Jimmy, thats only part of it. I have something more interesting to say” Abel smile gleefully toward me and it is becoming pretty scary looking.

“Huhh…please continue then…” I sigh quietly.

“You’ve been handling the cash register for most of the time so I don’t really know whether you realize it or not, but I think one of the guy had already laid eyes on you. He has crush on you Jim. I’m fairly sure bout it. Thats the thing I wanna tell you actually” Abel try to be sincere.

Brian suddenly bear hugged me without warning.

“Hahaha. I should congratulate you buddy. It’s about time you to let go your single status” Brian is clearly thrilled with what Abel had said just now.

“Oh my god, please Brian…stop it. How long do you plan hugging me like that. You squeezing me way to hard. I’m suffocate here…cough…cough” I coughed a little while desperately breathe in for some oxygen.

Abel just watch silently and I saw he chuckled a bit.

“Tell me something, how did you came out with that conclusion?” I try to act cool and wise.

“I already told you right I’ve been observing the group for quite some times, and that guy gonna spend like 70% of his time staring at you. And to makes thing even more interesting, every times his friends teasing him and pointing at your direction, he gonna turn deep red. Good thing I’m in charge at refreshment counter so I can keep a very good view on what currently happen at that table. Its wierd how you never seem to realize that group existent” Abel says frankly.

“Ohh…you mean the guy that occasionally wears his thick frame specs or just let it hanging on his shirt? Is that the one?” ask Brian.

“Yes, such a fine and gorgeous boy he was especially when he wears the glasses. Extremely beautiful” Abel overstressed his description.

“The other guys also not bad-looking either. Maybe I should pick one for myself…hahaha” Brian joking around.

No, I’m not surprise, or should I say there’s no description for what I felt right now. I’ve being expecting this kind of thing to happen sooner or later. But why now? And it’s not like I didn’t realize their existent at the cafe from the beginning. I’m in charge of cash register so there’s no way I can missed any costumer that came to pay the bills.

“You ok Jim?” Abel voice sound a bit worried.

“Ohh…hahah. I’m just fine. Like usual” I try to act cheerful but to no avail.

“Your face expression looks empty and lost. I thought you were angry at us when suddenly you went silent and absent-minded” says Brian try to show his concern.

“No…I mean yes, I’m fine…only a little bit shock I guess” I try to clear up my thought.

“I shouldn’t have said these kind of thing on the first place. I’m sorry Jim. Really sorry!” Abel apologize and he seems like blaming himself for my down mood.

“Don’t worry Abel. There’s nothing to apologize. I know you don’t have any bad intention by saying those stuff to me. I should be grateful for it. At least its open up my mind, and I’m sorry for not being honest to you both” I try to be relevant with my words.

“What do you mean by “not being honest” Jim? You lost me there…” Brian look puzzled.

“My feeling told me it something related to what I had said before. Am I right Jim?” Abel looks straight to my eyes for confirmation.

“Yes, you’re right Abel” I try to stay calm.

“I see. The mic is yours now Jim. We both gonna listen to your story…” Brian says with understanding tone.

Abel smile and give me his “Wink of Courage” before I start my story.

“First of all, I knew their existent from the beginning. Second, I honestly admit that I also have a crush for the boy you mentioned before. He’s the one who always made the bill payment and give me tips so in away I did fall for him, plus his polite gesture and pleasant appearance are something I really love about him” I said it briefly and clearly.

Brian raise his eyebrow a little, but Abel seem fairly calm.

2:26 A.M Inside 3

For some unknown reason, both Brian and Abel are spending more of their valuable time tonight inside my room rather than going to sleep early inside their own room like they usually do. Abel is lying own my bed and curling up like a cat inside my comforter. It’s still raining heavily outside and the gust seem not showing any sign to subdued. But anyway, I love raining season because of one thing, theres no need to turn on the air conditioner. It’s cold enough to makes three person in medium size room to shiver all through the bone. Brian sit on the floor next to my book shelf reading one of my books collections. Under the light of study lamp, his side profile looks kinda sexy and his serious facial expression while reading makes it even more sexier. I quickly focus my eyes back to the monitor after realizing Brian makes a quick ogle toward my direction. I guess he did realize I’ve been staring at him a 5 long minute. I try to act naturally despite of what I have been doing minute ago. Gulping few time because my intuition tell me that his eyes still doesn’t move an inch from where it lay on. Yes, it may appear I’m still normal from the outside, but in this kind of situation I become extremely nervous and unintentionally show it with my body gesture. I rub my neck few times, scratch my cheek, grooming my hair using my finger unintentionally. I said to my self…”Please Brian, stop staring like that…” But what came out from his mouth a second later really caught me surprise.

“You like me Jim?” Brian says casually.

“Hmm…whaa…what did you say?” I lost control over my nervousness

“Hahaha…I said, do you like me? Is that clear Jim?” He spoke the word one by one slowly.

“Ermm…why do ask such question? Moreover in the middle of rainy night? You wanna makes it sound epic don’t you?” For some reason I just throw all those nonsense question without a second thought.

“You’re not answering my question my little Jimmy” His voice become very seducing.

“Ok..ok. Stop saying word with that seducing tone. It freaks me out” Finally I gain control over my nervousness.

“Hahaha…so, whats your answer?” Brian says and chuckle a bit.

“Sorry…I don’t have the answer for your question. Or should I say theres no answer to begin with…” I try to make it clear to him.

“Is that so. I thought you have feeling for me coz you’ve been staring at my direction for almost 5 minute without even blink your eyes once. And your face seem like you’re lost inside your own thought, or is it you’re fantasizing something wild inside your head..I don’t know. Hahaha…” Brian said and makes a small laugh.

What he said really perturb my head. Not that it’s totally wrong or right, but I have to admit that he kinda hit the jackpot. It’s really perplex me whether just tell the truth or just create some cover story.

“Ok Brian, to be honest I did imagining something about you having a sexy side profile while reading under the study lamp…satisfied?” I choose the first option since I’m not a good in lying to people.

“Now you talking. Hahaha. Don’t worry I’m not mad or anything. Sorry for provoking you buddy. Anyway thank you for complimenting me…” Brian smiles, a smile that can melt even the coldest maiden hearts.

“Ohh..no, its ok. I should apologize too for disturbing your reading…” Its end up better than what I expected.

While I’m move back looking at the laptop and adjusting my position, I feel someone pat my back slowly.

“You know Jim, I’ve been secretly peek at you under the blanket without anyone noticing and listening to the whole conversation…” Abel suddenly appear from under the blanket.

“I thought you were sleeping all this while…?” My voice cannot hide the shock I’ve felt.

“Hehehe…I’m just enjoying myself under the blanket, thats all. If I want to sleep here, I should at least told you beforehand…” Abel whisper politely.

At that moment, Brian just looking to both of us with empty stare not knowing or heard what Abel had said to me.

“Anyway Jim, I have something to tell you…” Abel said eagerly.

4:17 A.M Inside 2

I don’t know why suddenly this one particular childhood memory crossed my mind like flash. Not a bad memory to begin with nor it has any significant effect toward myself inside out at that period of time. Its just that,memories that you had long forgotten sometimes emerge out of no where and you feel like it just happen yesterday.

I use to have a very far away cousin(not by blood) name Sarah. It is the first and last time I saw and got the chance to know her. Shes Eurasian, her father is a French gentlemen. I guess shes taken her father European feature more then her mother Asian looks. Brown hair, very light hazel eyes, fine complexion or should I say a bit pale compare to normal brownish Asian skin. First time I met her is when my uncle visited my family on this particular day. I can’t really remember whether is morning or afternoon but as far as I remember they did stay for a while. That time I still extremely shy when it come to stranger other then family and relative that I recognize. So being a shy person I avoid any conversation with her. Its selfish and rude but being a child, no such thing as “mannerism” occur to me. So yeah, for most of the time I just sit on the sofa and watch my cousin chatting among themself. So after a while, I got bored and start playing with my self made string phone. I don’t own any fancy toys or console like other kids. Mainly because both my parent are very strict and doesn’t like to spend on something that not worth the money. So yeah, I create my own toys from any material I can find inside the house. So while having my wonderful time talking with my invisible person through the phone, Sarah suddenly ask me whether she can play along. Theres no point ignoring her now so I allowed her to play too. So from there onward, our relationship become closer and closer. Good thing for being a child is you can easily makes friend without need to think about colour skin and differences.While we playing the phone, I did ask her few question like wether she can speak French or not, her favourite food, school etc. From what she told me, her parent had a huge conflict that may end up with divorce. So the reason she staying with her aunt is to avoid any unwanted circumstances that may fall upon her. In away I really pity her because she such a nice girl. I spend the rest of the day talking to her and my other cousin and what happen after that, I can’t really figure it out. I never had a chance to meet her again after that. Whether shes living with her father in France or mother is beyond my knowledge. Even my auntie doesn’t like to talk bout it. I guess its effecting her to. I hope sarah doing fine wherever she was right now.

Ok, enough with the melancholy mood. Brian just passes by my room after went to the toilet and makes a weird expression while glaring at me. His nonverbal is clear enough for me. Somehow I can see dialog box pop up from his head saying “Why aren’t you sleeping yet? Its almost 6.00 a.m…” Expecting another long morning lecture from him.

4:18 A.M Inside 1

My clock shows it already quarter past four and yet I’m still wide awake inside my apartment room. My other two housemate already sleep, they always sleep early since they need to wake up quite early everyday to go to work. I chuckle abit realizing that my housemates actually works at the same place as I am. But I’m here playing with my laptop till morning and still my eyes doesn’t show any sign of  shutting down anytime soon. I guess just like Brian says countless time before, I’m slowly turning into nocturne animal without realizing it. I can’t blame him for being noisy everytime he saw my face with black circle around both my eyes every morning. He will keep on his morning lecture up until everyone are ready to get out from the apartment. My other housemate, Abel already got use of the situation will only smile gently showing his extremely perfect white teeth. Sometime I wonder if he brush his teeth more then any normal person would do. I did ask him once before; being a very curious person I am. The answer he gave me…”I only brush my teeth whenever I feel or taste something funny going around my mouth”. Not that I didn’t expect that kind of normal answer, but I did hope for something more outrageous. But anyway, Abel is a very neat and tidy person to begin with compare to Brian that abit disorganized…sometimes. Sorry Brian, its the truth. No hard feeling ok. I love you both. I got another 2 hours to sleep, don’t know whether its enough to keep me awake for the rest of the day.

Something for myself

I guess there’s no reason for me to keep it. Not that I want other people intention or being pitied, just that if I just let it go, later I’m the one that going to regret it. At least anything that I wrote here will become my story in the future. Who am I? I’m just a normal 23 years old boy that enjoy his current job. Other detail is not for public concern. Its better to put it that way.